Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
