Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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