i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
false alarm, still single
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
