walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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