Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
