does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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