My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
