no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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