yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my phone needs a breathalizer
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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