She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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