Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Someone came in the potted fern
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
