i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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