hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
