his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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