Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
