Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
