The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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