Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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