drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
