were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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