i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
