I just saw a hot homeless man
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
