This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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