I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
