If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
