i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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