I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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