Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
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This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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