I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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