if i can run in heels then i can drive
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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