STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
