I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
