Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
