so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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