life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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