So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
