i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
