The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
