Soap is not a condiment
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
third nipple confirmed
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
