I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
