I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
