I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Life without a bra equals bliss.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
