This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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