well I can't set my house on fire every night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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