cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
