Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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