I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
