Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
