you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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