Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
