i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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