God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
