Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
