it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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