This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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