Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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