Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I can text with my tongue
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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