Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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