My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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