i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
