mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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