The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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